What's In A Name?

June 16th 2006

Film star Michael Caine’s real name is Maurice Micklewhite. Not a lot of people know that. But a lot of people would guess that he changed it to Michael generic cialis Caine because Maurice Micklewhite is a really crap name. ‘The Italian Job’, starring Maurice Micklewhite? I don’t think so. It would never have got beyond a suggestion. ‘Get Carter’? Get somebody else, per…lease!

John Wayne’s real name was Marian Morrison. So he was doubly cursed, named both after a woman and a down market supermarket. You can well understand the Duke’s eagerness to change his name, because if he hadn’t people would have had to call him the Duchess. And just imagine someone called Marian Morrison as a Roman centurion having to deliver the line ‘This truly was the Son Of God’. I mean even with the name John Wayne he made a balls of it.

Judy Garland’s real name was Frances Gumm. Really. ‘A Star Is Born’? Not with a name like that she wouldn’t have been. ‘A Star Is Aborted At Three Months’ possibly.

Sean Connery’s real name is Juan Accent. Enough said.

We can well understand then why film stars change their names. It’s simply because their real names would be a source of embarrassment to them. And it’s the same with well-known people in other walks of life. For example – 

John Prescott, who not only changed his name but also his nationality. In reality he’s a Thai named U Phat Twat.

Jonathan Ross’s real name is Jonathan Ranker.

JKR Tolkien was born Herbert Horseshit.

JK Rowling  was Hannah Horseshit.

Dick and Dom were christened Ant and Dec

Bruce Forsyth was once Jim Smut.

Snoop Doggy Dog was christened Scoop Dogshit.

Mary J Blige was Mary J Bilge (and still is some would say).

Sven Goran Eriksson was born Will Fuckanythingwithapulse.

Gary Lineker was once Gary Mogadon.

Arthur Arsehole was christened Ben Elton.

David Beckham was Hugh Know.

Elton John was once Ben Dover. (It is claimed his real name is Reg Dwight but that’s obviously a lie as Elton John is an even more embarrassing name than Reg Dwight. 

There are no doubt many others I haven’t heard of.

Published by

Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

3 thoughts on “What's In A Name?”

  1. Went to see Roxy Music just before Bryan Ferry went solo for a while. The announcer said “Please welcome on stage Ferry Music!”. The band looked slightly bewildered as they ambled on stage. The first song they did – very tongue in cheek – was “Ferry ‘Cross the Mersey”. Just before they started Bryan Ferry said “Hi I’m Bryan Roxy”. A young’n next to me had been brought by his Aunt. She said “Oh dear we’re at the wrong concert” and went off for a refund. Saw a good film the other night with Angelina Jelly in it. She can’t half wobble n all.

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