July 2nd 2006
Atkins Down The Road and I realised some time ago that our plan to market inflatable rubber women as artificial car passengers has a major flaw, inasmuch as it would look decidedly odd if not downright suspicious if every person in the front passenger seat were a woman.
To get over this problem we tried converting one of our inflatable rubber women (we have three now – for business, not for pleasure, I would stress) into an inflatable rubber man. The head was comparatively easy. We simply removed Bouncy Beyonce’s wig, turning her into an instant skinhead, and added a false moustache and a pair of horn-rimmed glasses.
Disguising her tits wasn’t so easy. After much discussion we decided the best thing to do would be to turn her two big tits into one massive tit by filling in her cleavage with foam rubber. This got rid of her tits but what we ended up with was a man with a very large pigeon chest. Atkins suggested that if we dressed it in a Manchester United football shirt and did away with the horn-rimmed glasses people might think it was Eric Cantona. I observed that it would look even more suspicious if every person in the passenger seat was Eric Cantona than if every person were a woman, and anyway Eric Cantona didn’t play for Manchester United anymore. Atkins accused me of splitting hairs and I told him to grow up and we left the problem unresolved.
So this morning, clutching for straws and not in any real hope, I typed the words ‘Inflatable Rubber Man’ into the Google search box. After all, so far as I could see, the only possible market for an inflatable rubber man would be lonely and unloved women, and all they would want them for was their cock, and cocks are already readily available in the shape of dildos (and the dildos are in the shape of cocks). Google didn’t come up with anything, which didn’t really surprise me, however when I hopefully typed in Inflatable Husband it came up with a whole page full of them. I clicked on one of them and it informed me that the price of the Inflatable Husband was £7, all my friends will like him, he won’t upset my parents, he is always willing to please, he doesn’t like football, never breaks wind, is always faithful and he floats, and is 100cm of pure dominating pleasure.
All pretty straightforward then, and the answer, if not exactly to a maiden’s prayers then certainly to Atkins’ and my prayers. Except for the ‘100 cm of pure dominating pleasure’ bit, that is. For what on earth can this mean? Are we talking here of a man only 1 metre tall, or a normal-sized man with a 1 metre long cock? If it’s the latter it must be the bargain of a lifetime for a lonely woman at only £7
I’ve sent off for one. If he doesn’t come up to scratch, and as he floats, I can always take him along to the swimming pool with me when I go for my next lesson.
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Razzamatazz
Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.)
This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000….
My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas.
A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road.
I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.
Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.)
This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000….
My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas.
A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road.
I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.
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I wonder if he bends in the middle. For easy positioning on the car seat.
£7 does seem very reasonable, do tell us if he’s any good.