July 11th 2006
Women are good for a lot of things, cooking and doing the housework are two of them and when theyâ€™re on their back is another, but one thing they are definitely not good at is helping there husband to carry there wide screen Plasma Television set a few yards up the road.
We only live six doors down the road from Razzaâ€™s house. About seventy yards at a guess. How long did it take us to get our telly from our house to thereâ€™s? one hour and forty bloody minuets.
â€œWeâ€™ll have to put it down for a minuet,â€ she said.
â€œIâ€™ll have to have a rest.â€
â€œWeâ€™ve only carried it five bloody yards.â€
â€œI said Iâ€™ll have to have a rest!â€
The problem is women arenâ€™t built for carrying things. Except babies, and only then because men have put them in the right plaice so that the weight is evenly distributed.
They especially arenâ€™t good at carrying bulky things like television sets. there tits get in the way.
Iâ€™ve always been a tit man, as opposed to a leg man. Even before I was a man, when I was a boy, I was a tit man. So when I got married naturally I married a girl with bit tits. And if anything the wifeâ€™s tits are even bigger now than when I married her. But not the same shape unfortunately.
Anyway because of there tits they have to hold whatever theyâ€™re carrying away from there body so they donâ€™t bruise there tits or knock there nipples when theyâ€™re carrying it and this has the affect of making what theyâ€™re carrying a lot heavier. You try it. Pick up something heavy like a bucket of water then try holding it out in front of you as if you had a big pair of tits and see what happens, it weighs a ton.
Anyway I wasnâ€™t about to call in Pickfords to move the telly from our house to Razzaâ€™s so I was saddled with the wife. Which is why it took an hour and forty minuets.
After weâ€™d put the telly down for a rest the second time, about five yards after weâ€™d put it down for a rest the first time, one of the wives friends past by. Well she didnâ€™t pass by, it would have been all right if the cow had past by, but she stopped.
â€œHello Vera,â€ she said.
â€œHello Fiona,â€ said the wife.
â€œThe whether doesnâ€™t know what to do does it.â€
â€œWell the whether man gave showers for later but you know what theyâ€™re like.â€
â€œWhat are you doing?â€
â€œWere just moving our Plasma telly to the Ravenscrofts, they only have an ordinary one and weâ€™ve got used too Plasma now.
â€œOh we wouldnâ€™t like to be without our Plasma now weâ€™ve got it, me and Brett.â€
â€œYouâ€™re staying at the Ravenscrofts wile theyâ€™re on holiday I believe?â€
â€œWell we are if we ever get the bloody telly their,â€ I said.
Ten minuets later, after Iâ€™d been well and truly bollocked by the wife and all the merits of Plasma tellies and a few other important issues had been discussed, we set off again. Five yards later we stopped for another rest. We were just about to pick the telly up and carry on for another five yards when one of the showers the whether man had given for later started up, because by this time what with all the wives pissing about it was bloody later.
We were still a lot nearer to our house than to Razzaâ€™s so we went back. On the way there the wife called for a rest but I wasnâ€™t having any, the last thing I wanted was rainwater in our telly and I made her go all the way back non-stop.
Three-quarters of an hour later when the rain had stopped we set off again. Same storey. Start. Stop. Start. Stop. Gossip for ten bleeding minuets with Mrs Christ knows who. Start. Stop.
Anyway we got there eventually. But itâ€™ll be well worth it once Iâ€™m re-acquainted with Tony and Christopher and Uncle Junior and Paulie Walnuts and Sil and all the boys, Iâ€™m sure.