The Two Decorator’s

July 15th 2006 

On the subject of Painter and Decorators there’s a saying ‘If you can piss you can paint’. There ought to be another, ‘If you can drink tea you can be a Decorator’ because that’s all the buggers who are supposed to be decorating our house seem to be doing.
 

I went back to our house at ten this morning for a small screwdriver as I couldn’t find one at Razza’s. When I got there the Two Decorators were sat around drinking tea. When I returned the screwdriver an hour later they were still sat around drinking tea. Weather they’d done any decorating in the meantime I don’t know but there wasn’t any evidence of it if they had.

“I’m not paying you two to sit around drinking tea all day,” I said.

“Price is just the same weather we drink tea or no,” said one of them. He pulled a piece of paper from his overalls and consulted it. “This is the living room right? The price we quoted you for decorating it is £450, no mater how long we take. Or how many cups of tea we drink.”

“Oh by the way,” said the other one. “”We’re using your tea. We ran out of teabags, I hope you don’t mind.”

Talk about bloody rubbing it in! “You’re  drinking my tea?” I said. “You’re sat in my house not decorating it and drinking my tea?”

“We’ll put it back when we get some. We’ve had ten teabags up to now, see we jot it down on the skirting board over there every time we take some.”

“Well just make sure when you do that it’s not cheep shit like Co-op 99, see that’s it’s Tetley’s or PG Tips.”

“Yorkshire Tea it’ll be. We prefer Yorkshire. Have you tried Yorkshire Tea?”

“I’ve got better fucking things to do than stand about discussing the relative merits of different brands of fucking tea, “ I said, finally loosing my rag.

“I was only saying. Only I’m a bit of a connoisseur when it comes to tea. So is Ted here.”

“You bloody well ought to be the amount of it you drink. Just see all your tea drinking doesn’t hold up the job and bugger up me moving back in when I have to.  So I want all three rooms finished by then or there’ll be trouble.”

Wankers.

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Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

2 thoughts on “The Two Decorator’s”

  1. My neighbour 4 doors up came home to find a conservatory he hadn’t ordered attached to his house and new french doors from the dining room into it. The builders had come to the wrong address and his teenage daughter had let them in assuming it was ‘daddy stuff’. He refused to pay and has still got a nice conservatory and french doors for free. Lucky git!

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