July 17th 2006 Â
The Two Decoratorâ€™s werenâ€™t drinking tea when I called in on them to see how my decorating was progressing but they werenâ€™t decorating either, they were stood about laughing.
â€œTell it Mr Atkins,â€ said the fat one with spots.
â€œHave you heard about the sixty year old woman stripped off naked in the bedroom Mr Atkins?â€ said the fat one without spots.
â€œHave you heard the one about the man who strangled Two Bloody Decoratorâ€™s because they werenâ€™t getting on with the job every time he called in?â€ I said.
â€œNo but me first. Anyway she was stood in the bedroom strip bollock naked, her husband was in bed, and she said to him â€œLook at me George. Look at my poor body. Iâ€™m a ruin. Look at my tits. They used to be small and firm and now theyâ€™re big and all hanging down. Look at my belly. It used to be flat, now itâ€™s so big when I look down I canâ€™t see my fairy. And look at my bum. It used to be small and pert and now itâ€™s enormous and all flabby and horrible. Iâ€™m a wreck. Is there anything you can say to cheer me up, to comfort me?â€ And her husband said â€œYes, thereâ€™s fuck all wrong with your eyesight.â€
I had to laugh despite myself because it was such a good joke but then I showed them I meant business. â€œWhere were you two yesterday and the day before?â€ I said sternly.
â€œHear of course.â€
â€œNo you werenâ€™t, I kept coming to have a look, you never came near the plaice once.â€
â€œOh, Yesterday and the day before you mean? No, we were at the other job.â€
â€œWhat other job? You didnâ€™t say anything to me about having another job, youâ€™re supposed to be doing my job.â€
â€œThatâ€™s what the bloke at the other job said when we told him weâ€™d been working hear at your job, but youâ€™re both wrong. We always have two jobs running at the same time in case we come across any snags with one of them.â€
And do you steel the tea of the man at the other job like you steel my tea?â€
â€œWe didnâ€™t steel your tea, we borrowed it, we told you weâ€™d put it all back.â€
â€œAnd have you put it all back?â€
â€œWellâ€¦â€¦â€¦a guestimate. We werenâ€™t sure how much weâ€™d borrowed.â€
â€œI thought you were marking it down how many youâ€™d had on the skirting board?â€
â€œYes but we painted over it. In our rush to get the job done on time. We can strip the paint off and find out if you want but that will put the job back and â€¦.â€
â€œNo! Forget that. Get that idea right out of your mind right now.â€
I knew Iâ€™d been conned but I wasnâ€™t about to give these buggers an excuse for not finishing the job on time, itâ€™s going to be hard enough as it is.