Sea Bass

22nd December 2006

I told Atkins Down The Road about our apartment in Turkey and mentioned that once we’ve taken possession of it at the end of October 2007 he and Mrs Atkins Down The Road will be welcome to stay with us whenever they likle.

His reply was immediate and without ceremony at all. “No thanks.”

There was something wrong here. In Atkins we are talking about a man who is as likely to turn down a freebie as Cherie Blair on speed. I asked him why.

His lip didn’t exactly curl but it might well have done from the tone of his voice. “Turkey?”

“What’s wrong with Turkey?”

“You’ll do well to last a month without having your throat cut. You wouldn’t get me within a thousand miles of the place.”

“This is Altinkum we’re talking about,” I said. “A holiday resort on the Aegean coast. Not downtown Istanbul after Galatasaray have just lost at home to Millwall.”

“Altinkum, Istanbul, they’re Turks, and they’re all tarred with the same brush, Turks. Only the amount of tar is different. Vagabonds, murderers, the lot of them; they can’t help themselves, it’s in their blood, it’s the hot weather.”

I was prepared to say more fool you to him then let the matter drop when an idea came to me that if acted upon would test to the full Atkins’ resolve to keep Turkey off his list of desirable holiday destinations. I acted upon it. “Even if what you say is true it’s a risk I’m prepared to take,” I said.  Then I paused for effect before continuing, “If only to sample that sea bass again.”

Atkins’ ears pricked up at once. “Sea bass?”

Those of you who have heard me speak of Atkins Down Then Road before might recollect that he is such a lover of duck that if he is eating out and someone in the company orders duck then Atkins has to order it too as he can not bear to see other people eating duck if he himself is not eating it. Sea bass is it’s Piscean equivalent; in fact if anything he likes sea bass even more than he does duck.

“While I was over there I had the most marvellous sea bass I’ve ever tasted, fresh out of the sea that day,” I said. “Hanging over the edges of the plate it was, must have weighed a pound and a half at least. It cost me £7, including chips and all the trimmings. In this country you couldn’t buy a sea bass of that size for twice the price from a fishmonger, let alone have it cooked and served up to you in a restaurant that also served up perfectly acceptable wine for two quid a bottle.”

He thought about it for all of a second. “October you say?”

“We take possession on the 31st of October.”

“Put me down for early November,” he said.

“How are you going to eat sea bass if your throat’s been cut?” I asked.

He thought about it for a moment then said, “We might have let them in the Common Market by then,” as if that were all the reason Turks would need to stop slitting Englishmen’s throats, then made himself scarce before I could query his reasoning.

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

My address is –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4L

 

 

 

Dear Air 2000

 

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Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

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