England’s Strategic Plans

27th December 2006The news from Australia that the England cricket team’s bowling strategic plans to dismiss the Aussie batsmen had been stolen from their dressing room and e-mailed to the Australian team does not come as a surprise to me following the news last week that the England football team’s strategic plans to avoid defeat in their next match to had been leaked. Did you miss that? If you did, here it is again.

(1) Don’t turn up.
(2) We probably won’t be able to get away with (1) so try to score a goal. Since this ploy has been used in the past only on very rare occasions it will confuse the opposition and could lead to actually scoring a goal.
(3) The only consistent performer in the back four is John Terry. Terry is a hard case and has form. Select a back four of similar qualities. Aim for a line-up of Tony Soprano, Paulie Walnuts, John Terry and Christopher Moltosanti, with No Nose Charlie as back-up.
(4) Reinstate David Seaman as goalkeeper. This will lull the opposition into a false sense of security as they will think they can score any time they feel like it instead of almost any time they feel like it as is the case with the present cripple we have between the sticks.
(5) Try to stop the opposition getting the ball. This can be achieved by (a) passing the ball to a team mate (not recommended as the England team have proved time and time again that they are incapable of this) or (b) Booting the ball into the crowd whenever the opportunity arises (recommended, as it is unknown for a member of the crowd to have scored a goal, except on a couple of occasions against England, which can be regarded as flukes).
(6) Bring back Beckham in the wide right position. Not David, Victoria. For some strange reason some men find her attractive and she could well prove to be a distraction to the opposing players, especially if she gets her tits out, thus helping us to implement (2) to the maximum.
(7) Make better use of Peter Crouch. One of the ways to make better use of him would be to use him as the crossbar in a decoy set of goalposts.
(8) Now that Rio Ferdinand has been relieved of his role in central defence put him in charge of entertainment and relaxation. Maybe a little coke will help the players perform better because they’re certainly shite without it.
(9) Sack manager Steve McClaren and replace him with Ron (I love niggers) Atkinson. A week later sack Atkinson and reinstate McClaren. Fans will be so glad that Atkinson has been discarded that they’ll stop moaning about having McLaren as manager and get behind the team instead of onto McClaren.
(10) Pray the opposing side don’t turn up

 

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Dear Air 2000 

Football Crazy

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Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

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