27th December 2006The news from Australia that the England cricket teamâ€™s bowling strategic plans to dismiss the Aussie batsmen had been stolen from their dressing room and e-mailed to the Australian team does not come as a surprise to me following the news last week that the England football teamâ€™s strategic plans to avoid defeat in their next match to had been leaked. Did you miss that? If you did, here it is again.
(1) Donâ€™t turn up.
(2) We probably wonâ€™t be able to get away with (1) so try to score a goal. Since this ploy has been used in the past only on very rare occasions it will confuse the opposition and could lead to actually scoring a goal.
(3) The only consistent performer in the back four is John Terry. Terry is a hard case and has form. Select a back four of similar qualities. Aim for a line-up of Tony Soprano, Paulie Walnuts, John Terry and Christopher Moltosanti, with No Nose Charlie as back-up.
(4) Reinstate David Seaman as goalkeeper. This will lull the opposition into a false sense of security as they will think they can score any time they feel like it instead of almost any time they feel like it as is the case with the present cripple we have between the sticks.
(5) Try to stop the opposition getting the ball. This can be achieved by (a) passing the ball to a team mate (not recommended as the England team have proved time and time again that they are incapable of this) or (b) Booting the ball into the crowd whenever the opportunity arises (recommended, as it is unknown for a member of the crowd to have scored a goal, except on a couple of occasions against England, which can be regarded as flukes).
(6) Bring back Beckham in the wide right position. Not David, Victoria. For some strange reason some men find her attractive and she could well prove to be a distraction to the opposing players, especially if she gets her tits out, thus helping us to implement (2) to the maximum.
(7) Make better use of Peter Crouch. One of the ways to make better use of him would be to use him as the crossbar in a decoy set of goalposts.
(8) Now that Rio Ferdinand has been relieved of his role in central defence put him in charge of entertainment and relaxation. Maybe a little coke will help the players perform better because theyâ€™re certainly shite without it.
(9) Sack manager Steve McClaren and replace him with Ron (I love niggers) Atkinson. A week later sack Atkinson and reinstate McClaren. Fans will be so glad that Atkinson has been discarded that theyâ€™ll stop moaning about having McLaren as manager and get behind the team instead of onto McClaren.
(10) Pray the opposing side donâ€™t turn up
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