9th January 2007
I have informed The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road of my intention to be a shithouse from now on and the reason why. Atkins said that it sounds like a good idea and that he may very well become a shithouse himself. The Trouble said I should have no trouble whatsoever becoming a shithouse if my behaviour yesterday is anything to go by. I assume she means the business with her trousers.
Like the rest of us The Trouble tends to put on a few pounds over Christmas and also like the rest of us she has ambitions to get rid of the surplus poundage as soon into the New Year as is reasonably possible. She happened to mention to me that this year she would have to do without the use of scales in her quest as unfortunately she had forgotten to weigh herself prior to the start of the holiday festivities. No matter, she said, she would know when her weight was back to normal as the week before Christmas she had bought a new pair of trousers which fitted her perfectly.
Her plan then was to diet until the trousers fitted her as perfectly again. Foolproof. Not so. A sound method on the face of it, but open to abuse.
I have a sister who along with a sewing machine and the seamstress skills to go with it shares my sense of humour, so, just for a laugh, I had her take in the waist of the trousers by a couple of inches. Yesterday The Trouble declared that she felt she had lost enough excess poundage to get into the trousers again and disappeared upstairs to our bedroom. I have never heard the howl of a banshee, but if it is half as terrifying as the noise that came out of our bedroom two minutes later then if banshees ever hit town I don’t want to be around when they do. I ran upstairs. The Trouble is not a fat woman, on the contrary she has a nice figure for her age, but even a nice figure can not get away with an attempt to force it into a pair of trousers deficient in the waist measurement by two inches. Consequently the small amount of fat she normally carries round her waist had become a roll of fat, spilling out of the top of the trousers, which, if not of lifebelt proportions, certainly looked like something which might be an aid to buoyancy had she been drowning.
Naturally I started to laugh. Not for very long though because clearly she was upset, a fact that became clear to me when she threw a pot of oil of olay at me. I apologised, then in an effort to restore the good humour she had been in before she tried on the trousers I let her in on my little joke, adding as a bonus that she had probably reached her target weight after all. For some unknown reason she failed to find it funny and she has hardly spoken to me since.
If this is all you have to do to be considered a shithouse itâ€™s going to be easy.
Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at Â£8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for Â£7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.
You can write to me at â€“
Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL