Bottom

24th January 2007

I was driving along in the car yesterday when I noticed up ahead of me a lady cyclist with the most wonderful bottom. I’ve always been a bottom man, as opposed to a tit man, so quite naturally, after checking in my rear view mirror that it was safe to do so (I almost called an accident once in a similar situation), I slowed down to get a more relaxed and longer ogle at the luscious lycra-covered derriere. Nearer, it was even more magnificent, and leapt right into my top ten, between Kylie and Beyonce – which is where I wouldn’t mind being.
As soon as I passed her by I looked in the rear view mirror to see what the owner of the lovely bum looked like. As I’ve said, I’m a bottom man first and foremost, a staunch believer in the maxim ‘You don’t look at the mantelpiece when you’re poking the fire’, but given the choice I naturally prefer a girl to be pretty. This girl was very pretty. The only trouble was she was a man. There’s a slight chance, due to the absence of anything that could remotely be described as tits, that it could have been Keira Knightly, but if it was she’s grown a moustache since the last time I saw her photo in the newspapers.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened of course. To a bottom connoisseur such as I it’s an occupational habit. But it did leave me a little shaken. I mean I’d been fancying a man’s bottom for Christ’s sake! A serial straight like me.
I mentioned the incident to Atkins Down The Road.
“That’s the advantage of being a tit man like me,” he said. “That sort of thing can’t happen to a tit man.”
“What about man tits?” I said. “Lots of men have tits as big as women nowadays.  Bigger. How do you know you haven’t admired a pair of tits which belonged to a man?”
“Well I’d know it was a man wouldn’t I”, said Atkins, surprised at my suggestion. “I’m not so senile that I’ve forgotten what a man looks like.”
”I’m not so sure,” I said. “There are plenty blonde-haired pretty men around, and both sexes wear trousers all the time nowadays, you could very well have lusted after a man and not been aware of it.” 
“Do you think?” said Atkins, not so sure of himself now.
“More likely than not in my opinion,” I said. “More likely than not. Probably a certainty.”
“Shit!” said Atkins.
Atkins was now as shaken as I had been. I felt a lot better about it. A concern shared is a concern halved.

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Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Dear Air 2000

Football Crazy

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Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

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