9th February 2007
My eldest grandson has been in trouble with the police. It was a football spectator thing, nothing bad or serious, no one was hurt, it was as much the exuberance of youth as anything.
Part of the dossier the police compiled in bringing a case against him read â€“ â€˜He was observed entering a fish and chip shop and five minutes later he was seen leaving carrying a packageâ€™. Well thereâ€™s a surprise!
I donâ€™t know about anyone else but personally I have never yet entered a fish and chip shop without leaving with a package, usually one containing fish and chips, or sometimes steak pudding and chips, often with mushy peas.
I wonder what the Old Bill suspected might be in the package? Semtex? Crack cocaine? Kiddie porn? Or perhaps it was none of these, perhaps it was something far worse â€¦..
POLICEMAN: Oy! Yes, you Sunshine. Whatâ€™s in that suspicious-looking package?
SUSPECT: This? Well itâ€™sâ€¦..
POLICEMAN: Save the lies. Open it up.
THE SUSPECT OPENS THE PACKAGE
POLICEMAN: Just as I expected â€“ fish and chips!
POLICEMAN: And just what do you intend doing with thisâ€¦. fish and chips?
SUSPECT: Well I had thought I might eat them.
POLICEMAN: Eat them? Get rid of the evidence you mean? Yes, I should think you might, given the chance.
SUSPECT: Evidence? What are you talking about. Evidence against what?
POLICEMAN: Carrying a lethal weapon for starters.
SUSPECT: A lethal weapon?
POLICEMAN: Are you trying to deny that that ten inch long piece of battered haddock wouldnâ€™t cause a fatal injury if you were to bring it down on somebodyâ€™s head?
SUSPECT: Iâ€™m not going to bring it down on somebodyâ€™s head.
POLICEMAN: So you say. Get in the car, youâ€™re nicked.
Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at Â£8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for Â£7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.
You can write to me at â€“
Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL