8th March 2007
In yesterday’s newspaper I read the following – ‘The ability to speak English should be a prerequisite for Asian women wanting to settle in Britain, Leader of the Commons Jack Straw said yesterday’. All I can say to this is that it’s a good job that the ability to be able to speak our mother tongue correctly doesn’t extend to people who already live here.
The entire cast of EastEnders would be deported immediately, I should have fought, what you fink guv? And with them a good half of the population of the rest of London and all Essex.
Ian Wright would be a cert to leave the country, along with out television screens, thank Christ.
Any Geordie who regularly ‘gans yam’ instead of going home would likewise be asked to depart our shores.
Residents of Birmingham with their ‘Do yow cum frum Brum?’ and Liverpudlians with their indecipherable utterances which sound like they are coughing up phlegm with every word would be told to hoppit for some other land, preferably far away, although some would say (not me I hasten to add) that there is an excellent argument that all scousers, regardless of their accent, should be jettisoned from the country for no other reason that they are scousers.
Cornishmen, Devonians, ee bah gum Yorkshiremen and Lancastrians, would have to join them, and as for Scots, especially Glaswegians, they would be the first out along with the Welsh, who might also qualify for deportation twice over for the same reason as scousers.
As far as Asian women having to pass an English test before being allowed into the country is concerned however I think there will be little chance of any of them failing test, not if the tests are as dumbed-down as the GCSE A levels our schoolchildren are now being asked to sit by our excuse for a Government. I wouldn’t mind betting that a typical question will be, multi-choice of course –
Which of the following is correct?
(a) I are going to the corner shop to buy some rice for our evening meal.
(b) I am going to the corner shop to sell some rice for our evening meal.
(c) I am going to the corner shop to buy some rice for our evening meal.
(d) I are going to the corner shop to sell some rice for our evening meal.Â
(e) Fuck the rice, we’ll have chips instead.
Underline the correct answer. Best of five attempts to count.
Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.
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Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL
Dear Air 2000
Football Crazy
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Razzamatazz
Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.)
This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000….
My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas.
A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road.
I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.
Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.)
This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000….
My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas.
A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road.
I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.
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