Liverpool – City of Culture

LIVERPOOL – EUROPEAN CITY OF CULTURE 2008

Programme of events – May 1st to May 30th.

City of Liverpool.
Permanent city-wide display of Cars With Their Wheels Missing Balanced On Piles Of Bricks. This living exhibition is being added to daily so return visits are highly recommended.

Anfield Stadium.
  Exhibition by Liverpool Football Club supporters about the Hillsborough disaster in which 96 Reds fans lost their lives through everybody’s fault but theirs. Ticket price of £40 includes enough beer to get legless in a local pub before entering the stadium.

Everyman Theatre.
  Every morning. ‘Soap’. Liverpool’s own King of the Soap Operas Phil Redmond, creator of Brookside and Hollyoaks, explains the secret of writing successful soaps. Lesson 3 – Work Plenty Of Shagging Into It.

Stanley Park
Every day at noon. Mass demonstration of Self Pity. Citizens of Liverpool (all sons and daughters are welcome to take part if you can tear yourself out of bed), instruct festival visitors on how to feel sorry for themselves. Displays of hand wringing on the hour.

Goodison Park.
Rock concert by the two surviving Beatles who have survived which will make you wish it had been the other two Beatles who had survived. Ringo will sing, without even a trace of irony, ‘I’ll Get By With The Help Of My Friends’. Paul has promised not to sing ‘The Frog Chorus’.

Everyman Theatre.
Every evening at 7. ‘Live on the Dole’, starring Ricky Tomlinson.  Will unemployed scouser scally Wacker Wainwright continue to draw unemployment benefit when he gets a job as a child minder, or will he continue to draw unemployment and also claim family allowance for the children he is minding? ‘Hilarious’, Derek Hatton.

 

 

Programme of events – May 1st to May 30th.

Permanent city-wide display of Cars With Their Wheels Missing Balanced On Piles Of Bricks. This living exhibition is being added to daily so return visits are highly recommended.

Everyman Theatre. Every morning. ‘Soap’. Liverpool’s own King of the Soap Operas Phil Redmond, creator of Brookside and Hollyoaks, explains the secret of writing successful soaps. Lesson 3 – Work Plenty Of Shagging Into It.

Every day at noon or when you can tear yourself out of bed. Mass demonstration of Self Pity in Stanley Park. Citizens of Liverpool (all sons and daughters are welcome to take part), instruct festival visitors on how to feel sorry for themselves. Displays of hand wringing on the hour.

Rock. Goodison Park. Concert by the two Beatles who should have died rather than the two who did. Ringo will sing, without even a trace of irony, ‘I’ll Get By With The Help Of My Friends’. Paul has promised not to sing ‘The Frog Chorus’.

Everyman Theatre.  Every evening at 7. ‘Live on the Dole’, starring Ricky Tomlinson.  Will unemployed scouser scally Wacker Wainwright continue to draw unemployment benefit when he gets a job as a child minder, or will he continue to draw unemployment and also claim family allowance for the children he is minding? ‘Hilarious’, Derek Hatton.

Anfield Stadium. Re-creation of the Hillsborough disaster in which 96 Liverpool supporters lost their lives through no fault of their own. Ticket price of £40 includes enough beer to get legless in a local pub before entering the stadium.

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Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

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