HJA 437 Scene 1

Refer to the Feb 5 post before reading this. 

1.   EXT.   SECOND HAND CAR SALES OUTLET.   DAY  

IT IS 1972. WE ARE LOOKING AT THE FORECOURT OF A SECOND HAND CAR SALES SHOWROOMS IN MANCHESTER. GEOFF HORSFIELD, AGED ABOUT FIFTY, IS GIVING ONE OF THE CARS FOR SALE THE ONCE OVER. HE IS OBVIOUSLY IN LOVE WITH THE CAR, WHICH IS A BLACK 1966 FORD ZEPHYR ZODIAC IN MINT CONDITION, REGISTRATION NUMBER HJA 437. WRITTEN ON THE CAR’S WINDSCREEN IN WHITE IS ‘1966 LOW MILEAGE. ONE OWNER. £899 ONLY. HP ARRANGED’. GEOFF’S WIFE ROSE, THE SAME AGE AS HER HUSBAND, TRAIPSES BEHIND HIM, NOT ENTIRELY UNINTERESTED, AS HE CIRCLES THE CAR, LOOKING AT IT FROM ALL ANGLES, BENDING TO LOOK UNDERNEATH IT AS BEST HE CAN A COUPLE OF TIMES. WHEN THEY HAVE CIRCUMNAVIGATED IT ROSE STOPS WHILE GEOFF CARRIES ON.

GEOFF:

(TURNING TO HER) It’s very……. (HE SEES THAT SHE IS NO LONGER FOLLOWING HIM. THIS ANNOYS HIM) Try to show an interest Rose.

ROSE:   

I’ve been round twice, Geoff.

GEOFF:

Well I don’t want to miss anything, do I. You can’t be too careful when you’re buying a second hand car. I think we’ll be all right with this though. (HE GIVES THE CAR ANOTHER ADMIRING LOOK) Very clean isn’t it.

ROSE:

I should hope it is for that price.

GEOFF SHIELDS HIS EYES TO PEER IN THROUGH ONE OF THE WINDOWS. WE LOOK IN WITH HIM. THE UPHOLSTERY IS LEOPARD SKIN.

GEOFF:

It’s absolutely spotless inside.

ROSE:

(INCREDULOUS) Spotless? It’s nothing but spots.

 

GEOFF:

What? (REALISES) Oh, you mean the leopard skin upholstery. Classy that.

ROSE:

Well that’s one word for it I suppose. Not the one I’d have chosen.

GEOFF CONTINUES WITH HIS INSPECTION. A SALESMAN HOVES INTO VIEW GIVING A FAIR IMITATION OF A VULTURE DESCENDING ON ITS PREY. AS PART OF HIS INSPECTION GEOFF GIVES ONE OF THE TYRES A GOOD KICK. THE SALESMAN WINCES.

SALESMAN:

Nice motor isn’t she.

GEOFF:

(TURNS TO HIM) Ah. Yes, very nice.

THE SALESMAN UNLOCKS THE DRIVER’S DOOR AND OPENS IT WIDE.

SALESMAN:

Take a look inside if you like. Only one owner as you can see.

ROSE:
Who was it, Jungle Jim?

SALESMAN:

What?

ROSE INDICATES THE SEATS.

SALESMAN:

Oh, the upholstery you mean. Class that. It takes the skins of three leopards for every car.

GEOFF:
(IMPRESSED) Go on.

SALESMAN:
Or so I am reliably informed by the Ford Motor Company.

GEOFF:

Hear that Rose? It takes the skin of three leopards to make the seats.

ROSE:
Am I supposed to be impressed?


GEOFF:

I thought you liked animals?

ROSE:

I do when they’re walking about. Not when they’re chair covers. It’ll be like living in a zoo

SALESMAN:
(TO GEOFF, WHO HAS IS HEAD IN THE CAR LOOKING AT THE INSTRUMENT CLUSTER ) So what do you think then?

GEOFF:

(TURNS TO THE SALESMAN) Is this mileage ……?

ROSE:

It’ll be like living in a zoo.

GEOFF GIVES ROSE A DIRTY LOOK THEN TURNS HIS ATTENTION BACK TO THE SALESMAN.

GEOFF:
Is this mileage genuine? 22,000?


SALESMAN:

Can’t be anything Squire, you can’t turn the clock back on a Zodiac, it’s part of the in-car security arrangements.

GEOFF:
(CLEARLY IMPRESSED BY THIS BLATANT LIE) Well that just about settles it then.

SALESMAN:

(STETCHES OUT AN ARM IN THE DIRECTION OF THE OFFICE) Shall we get the paperwork over and done with then?

THE SALESMAN TURNS TO GO, GEOFF MAKES TO FOLLOW HIM.

ROSE:

Geoff? (GEOFF TURNS TO HER) You are sure about this are you?

GEOFF:

You’re not going to be awkward about this are you? What have we been saving up for for the last three years for?

ROSE:

I know all about that, but……

GEOFF:

(CUTTING IN) Well then. You know I’ve always wanted a car.

ROSE:
It’s such a lot of money, all at one go. Couldn’t we buy something a bit cheaper?

GEOFF:
No. It has to be this one. I’ve always wanted a Zephyr Zodiac ever since I first set eyes on one when they first came out in 1962. And you don’t see too many of them for sale, they don’t make them anymore, they only made them for four years.

ROSE:

Well they probably ran out of leopards.

GEOFF:

And stop going on about leopards will you, you’re liked a bloody gramophone record. (TO THE SALESMAN) Lead on, Macduff.

THEY HEAD FOR THE OFFICE. ROSE SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS AND STARTS TO FOLLOW THEM, BUT WITHOUT MUCH ENTHUSIASM.

FADE TO

2.   INT.   THE HORSEFIELD’S LIVING ROOM.   DAY


 

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Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

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