Preparations

May 24th 2006
  

The distance from the nearest point of our back garden to the clothes-line post to which You Twat is tethered is a distance of 26 yards (I have paced out on the road the distance from the end of my house to the middle of the Pollitt’s house to arrive at this figure, so it is reasonably accurate). I estimate that the chain by which You Twat is hitched to the clothes-line post to be eight feet. This means that I will have to throw an eight ounce minced beef and crushed sleeping pill ball a distance of 26 yards and land it in a sixteen feet diameter circle. A piece of cake. Or rather a piece of minced beef and crushed sleeping pill.
  

However I wanted to be certain; the last thing I want is to spend half the day tossing spiked meatballs into the Pollitt’s garden on the off chance that one will land within eating distance of You Twat. For one thing it could be expensive, for another messy. So after wrapping a golf ball in several yards of masking tape until it weighed exactly eight ounces and was about the same size as my proposed sleep-inducing meatball I repaired to the park to put in a spot of practice.
  

It was around 10.30 when I arrived and I half expected to see Mr Jeffs, Mr Barnaby and Mr Ross practising throwing the walking frame, but there was no sign of them. Perhaps they didn’t get the lottery grant they put in for and had become disheartened?
  

I painted a sixteen feet diameter circle on the grass and practised for a good two hours, by which time I had become quite proficient, and could land the projectile somewhere within the limits of the circle nine times out of ten. When the time comes I will make two meatballs in case the first I despatch turns out to be the one in ten that misses the target.
  

Somebody asked me what I was doing of course. Well our park is well used and naturally some of the people who frequent it are of an inquisitive nature. “Tossing the Truss,” I replied, “Paralympic Games 2012.” Fortunately he didn’t ask me for a go, he just said “Whatever will they dream up next?” and went on his way, shaking his head.   

 

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Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

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