My Breasts And I

May 25th 2006
The Sunday Times TV listings tell me that on BBC 3 tonight there is a programme called My Breasts and I. I thought at first it might be a new situation comedy about the Breast Family, Joanne Breast, her thick husband George Breast, and their children Jason and Samantha Breast, who keep coming through doors and grinning like loonies, sort of like My Family but with laughs, but no, apparently it is a documentary about female breasts.
The Sunday Times writes of it – ‘More than you could possibly want to know about how the former Atomic Kitten Jenny Frost feels about her bosoms (‘Two tea bags after they’ve been dunked’, is how she sums them up). Plus how lots of other women (among them Joan Collins) feel about them, and a bra-fitting from the Queen’s corsetiere (though not, as you might guess, with the Queen)’.
I don’t know about you but a glimpse of the Queen’s tits is not high on my list of things I am aching to see, so the news that we won’t be seeing the royal nipples isn’t all that much of a disappointment. Having said that there is no reason to suppose that Elizabeth Regina’s knockers might be, like Atomic Kitten Jenny Frost’s, like two tea bags. On the contrary there is every reason to suppose that the Queen’s breasts will be firm and pert, their nipples pointing outwards rather than at her feet; after all, her hairstyle hasn’t altered since she was an eighteen-year-old, nor anything else about her, so why should her tits have changed? Her hair has changed colour of course, from brown to grey, so maybe she has grey tits now, or tits with grey hair on them, but I’d wager quite a bit that they’re still the same shape.
 I should of course know for a fact if the Queen’s bosoms are the same shape, God knows there have been enough pictures of her in the newspapers and on television over the years to form an opinion, but ever since I was old enough to think for myself every time I’ve recognised a picture of the Queen in the newspapers I’ve moved quickly on to something less boring, without taking the trouble to examine the latest state of her breasts.
There is still an Atomic Kitten’s tea bag tits to look forward to seeing though, in addition to those of Joan Collins, whose tits by now must also look like two tea bags, or if they don’t it’s only be because she’s had them pumped full of silicone.
Thank Christ I haven’t got digital television and won’t have to watch it.
  

 

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Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

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