Good News

June 2nd 2006

I have good news and even better news. The good news is that the Pollitt’s dog has come out of its coma. Whether this had anything to with Wayne Pollitt or any of his clan singing ‘How Much Is that Doggy In The Window’ or ‘Old Shep’ into its earhole isn’t clear, but probably not. More likely it was one of the other methods the Pollitts employ to stir it into action, such as kicking it or tickling its bollocks, which brought it back into the land of the living.

People might be surprised to learn that I consider You Twat’s return to consciousness as good news, but although an intolerant man when it comes to dog barking I am not an evil or vindictive person, and certainly didn’t want the dog to die. Granted I could have done with it staying in a coma for a little longer – about five years would have been nice – but then I’m only human.

The even better news is that You Twat has spent all day in the back garden, with all the Pollitts out of the house, and hasn’t barked once. Perhaps, after its traumatic experience, it is simply taking time to build up its energies before returning to full barking and howling mode, but perhaps not. Perhaps, due to its enforced sleep, something has happened to it psychologically, and it now feels it can get by without having to bark and howl its fool head off all day.

I couldn’t even induce it to bark. I lobbed several small rocks and half a red brick at it and although they didn’t hit it some of them landed very close, but if it noticed them it didn’t give any indication that it had, and made not so much as a murmur.

While I was doing this Atkins Down The Road called round – he still has a bee in his bonnet about his inflatable rubber woman car passenger idea – and when I’d explained to him what I was trying to achieve he offered to return home and get his air rifle to see if a couple of slugs in You Twat’s arse would get it barking again. I thanked him for the offer but told him that two slugs up the dog’s arse would almost certainly not only get him barking again but keep him barking for a very long time, and that was the last thing I wanted. Atkins then said that if this happened he also had a .22 amongst his arsenal of weapons and could quickly and humanely put the dog out of its misery. I thanked him and put this solution to the problem on the back burner.

So all in all, and although it’s still early days, the signs are looking excellent. I just  hope it isn’t the proverbial lull before the storm.

Published by

Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

2 thoughts on “Good News”

Leave a Reply