Wimbledon

July 7th 2006

Yesterday officials stopped a woman tennis fan from taking an Alpro Yoghurt into the Wimbledon Tennis Championships because it might anger the official yoghurt sponsors Haagen-Dazs. Whatever next?

A WOMAN IS STOPPED BY AN OFFICIAL AFTER PASSING THROUGH THE WIMBLEDON TURNSTILES.

OFFICIAL: Can you open your handbag please, Madam?

WOMAN: What for?

OFFICIAL: I have to check you aren’t hiding any unofficial food in there.

WOMAN: I’m not.

OFFICIAL: I’ll be the judge of that. Open up please.

THE WOMAN OPENS HER HANDBAG. THE OFFICIAL PEERS INSIDE.

OFFICIAL: Hah! No unofficial food eh? Then what’s that?

WOMAN: A tampon.

OFFICIAL: Just as I thought. I’m afraid I’m going to have to confiscate it.

WOMAN: But….why?

OFFICIAL: Because our official tampon sponsors are Tampax and that isn’t a Tampax, is it.

WOMAN: You said food. A tampon isn’t food. I’m not going to eat it.

OFFICIAL: You could.

WOMAN: Eat a tampon?

OFFICIAL: If you get a bit peckish and can’t afford the official strawberries and cream you might.

WOMAN: But it’s made of cotton wool. Even if I wanted to eat it it would be far too tough.

OFFICIAL: You could dip it in your official cup of Tetley’s Tea.

WOMAN: All right. Even if I could eat it. Aren’t you forgetting something?.

OFFICIAL: What’s that?

WOMAN: The reason I’m carrying a tampon is because I’m having my period. Later on today I’ll need to use it. And if you confiscate it I won’t be able to do that, will I?

OFFICIAL: No problem, just stick an official Weetabix up.

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Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

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