July  22nd 2006
The inflatable rubber man (called The Inflatable Husband) arrived in the post this morning in plain packaging. It wasn’t as plain as The Inflatable husband! What a disappointment. I couldn’t have been more disappointed if The Trouble had given me a promise and I jumped into bed to find she’d changed into Margaret Beckitt.
The Inflatable Husband is only one metre tall, as I suspected, not a normal-sized man with a one metre long cock, but not only that, it hasn’t even got a cock. It resembles the picture of it on the box about as much as I resemble George Clooney, which isn’t very much in case you’re wondering girls. (And if you are wondering what I look like you can find out by going to this page , although I must confess the photo was taken some time ago. In fact the original was in sepia.)
But I digress. As I said The Inflatable Husband is not at all like the picture on the box, which is of a tall, good-looking, bronzed, bare-chested Lothario with a toned six pack – in reality it looks more like the Roswell alien from space which fetched up in America some time ago, or a giant jelly baby.
Why would a woman want to buy such an object? It can’t be for the reason that a man buys an inflatable rubber woman (Atkins Down The Road and I excepted), to have sex with it, because it hasn’t got a cock. Unless there’s some way you can attach a dildo to it, but if there is it isn’t apparent. And anyway why would a woman want to attach a dildo to a 1 metre inflatable rubber man unless she’s into dwarves? In which case she should go out and get herself a real dwarf, I’m sure there are plenty of them going short, if you’ll pardon the expression.
I suppose an optimist might say that the valve with which you blow it up could be a penis but as it’s only half an inch long and in the middle of its back that might be straining credulity a little too far, even for a supreme optimist.
It’s certainly not going to be any use as an artificial car passenger, that’s for sure. I’ve tried it and it looks ridiculous. You can either stand it up or, with great difficulty, sit it down. The idea of the artificial passenger is of course to fool the police into believing it’s a real passenger but I don’t think even our police are thick enough to be fooled by a one metre high inflatable rubber man stood up on the seat, and if you sit it down they wouldn’t be able to see it.
Atkins suggested we could try pumping it up a bit more until it was man-sized, above five feet tall he reckoned we could get away with, but by the time we’d pumped it up to five feet tall it was five feet wide and we couldn’t get in the car, let alone sit it down in it. Still it was only £7 so I wasn’t expecting too much from it, and it was worth a try.
Published by
Razzamatazz
Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.)
This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000….
My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas.
A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road.
I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.
Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.)
This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000….
My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas.
A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road.
I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.
View all posts by Razzamatazz
you could sell it to your “little friend” at the swimming classes. has he got a sister that could use it?
you could have hit upon a niche in the market here, little companions for little people! buy em for £7 and flog em for £14. instant profit. i want a cut if it is successful!
Your mental state appears to be closing in on my own. Vodka helps. I think. The Cappuccino Kid has long been my mental equal as his comment shows…(He is coming on a football tour with me. We may not survive. We have a player called ‘TooTall’. Having seen him in the showers he doesn’t qualify for any of this….)
still not worked out whether or not that is a compliment or not!
your mental equal?
help!
Feeling let down?
Sorry.
So Clooney is thinking about running for office? I know he’s pretty politically active, but with his party past I can’t see him going far.