I had a dream last night. Must have been the pork pie. Here it is – the dream, not the pork pie.
A football pitch. Training for the first team squad has finished for the day and the coach has asked the players to form a semi-circle around him.
Well done lads. Train as hard as that and repeat it on the park on match days and weâ€™ll be right in there with a big shout come the end of the season when theyâ€™re handing the silverware out. Briggsy – excellent my son. That heading practice is beginning to pay off. That last effort of yours â€“ in like a bullet. Jonesy, your crossing is improving as much as Briggsys heading, you should be proud of yourself. David Beckham? Youâ€™ll shit Beckhams if you carry on improving the way you have been. But listen up. Being a Premiership footballer isnâ€™t just about heading and kicking a football; if it was everybody would be a Premiership footballer. There are other skills youâ€™ll be needing. And a very important one of them is harvesting. Before I go any further have any of you ever done any harvesting? No Wilksy, I donâ€™t mean helping the farmer out with his haymaking when you were a kid. Iâ€™m talking harvesting for girls here, for tail, not hay â€“ although youâ€™ll probably be making hay if you listen to what Iâ€™m telling you and then pick the right sort of girls to ask along to your Christmas bash. So whereâ€™s the best place to go to get hot women you reckon? No, not the Turkish baths Cleggy. Hot, as in shaggable and up for it. I’ll tell you. Up market department stores for one. Theyâ€™re excellent spots. The birds off the cosmetics counters and beauty parlours in Harrods and Selfridges. Clubs is another ripe area for potential tail. And any beauty queens youâ€™ve come across â€“ or into â€“ theyâ€™re always a good source for the harvester.
Another skill youâ€™ll have to get to grips with is roasting. When youâ€™re at your Christmas bash and the Crystal has flowed and half a dozen or so of you find a girl whoâ€™s willing to drop her knickersâ€“ and there arenâ€™t many who wonâ€™t be if youâ€™ve done your harvesting proper, and if sheâ€™s wearing any knickers in the first place â€“ whereâ€™s the best place to go to give her a good roasting? No, not a Turkish baths Cleggy. Turkish baths would be all right if you wanted to give her a good boiling perhaps, butâ€¦.Anybody else? Thatâ€™s right Jacksy, one of the bedrooms at the place youâ€™re having your Christmas party.
The final skill youâ€™ll need is dogging â€“ and this isnâ€™t just a Christmas skill, this is a pastime you can engage in it all the year round so itâ€™s especially important. Whereâ€™s the best place to engage in a bit of dogging? Fuck me Cleggy, what is it with you and Turkish baths? Struth! Yes Smithy? No, it isnâ€™t the dog track either Smithy, Jesus, you donâ€™t you know what dogging is, what planet are you from? Tell him Jonesy. Thatâ€™s right, watching couples having sex in the back of cars. As championed by the great Stan Collymore. So whereâ€™s the best place to do a bit of dogging? Fuck me Cleggy if you mention Turkish baths again Iâ€™ll fucking choke you. Yes, all right, I know you can watch people having sex at the Turkish baths – well I didnâ€™t but I do now – but it isnâ€™t the place Iâ€™m thinking of. Iâ€™m thinking of the park. Thatâ€™s where to do your dogging. The park at night. Got that? Good. Right, into the showersâ€¦â€¦no, forget that, letâ€™s all go down the Turkish baths instead.