The Next Honours List?

BUCKINGHAM PALACE. HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN IS WITH THE PRIME MINISTER.

P.M:
Now turning to the field of show business Ma’am, we were thinking Pete Doherty for an O.B.E.

THE QUEEN:
I see. Who is he exactly?

P.M:
I’m afraid I had to ask the same question myself. According to the Minister of Culture he’s a singer.

THE QUEEN:
So the award is for services to music?

P.M:
It is Ma’am, although it could just as easily be the pharmaceutical industry, Ma’am, so the Minister for Culture informs me.

THE QUEEN:
So what exactly has this Pete Doherty person done?

P.M:
Well just about everything, according to the Minister.

THE QUEEN:
I beg your pardon?

P.M: He uses drugs, Ma’am.

THE QUEEN:
And you want me to award him the O.B.E? Out of the question!

P.M. P.M:
As Your Majesty wishes. However I feel I must point out that in the field of show business if we were to eliminate all those who take drugs from our considerations there would be very few left from which to make our selections

THE QUEEN: I see. Very well then, an O.B.E.

Thank you Ma’am. Staying with singers, we were thinking of making Sir Elton John a baron.

THE QUEEN:
Yes, an excellent choice. I shan’t feel overdressed at the investiture if he’s there. What would he be known as incidentally? Lord John of….?

P.M:
Watford, perhaps? Lord John of Watford. Or some other place he is associated with. It might not matter, someone on the selection committee suggested that whatever title he chooses people will call him Lord of the Rings, although I’ve no idea why. Perhaps he’s a fan of Tolkien?

THE QUEEN:
Probably. And who else are you putting forward from the world of show business?

P.M:
George Michael, Ma’am.We’re suggesting an M.B.E.

THE QUEEN:
George Michael? Isn’t he a homosexual?

P.M:
I believe so.

THE QUEEN:
But I’ve just elevated one of them to the peerage, Prime Minister. I realise that nowadays one is expected to pander to these people but we musn’t get carried away and overcrowd the honours list with them.

P.M: I’m afraid that what I said about the number of show business people who take drugs applies when it comes to their sexual persuasion too, Ma’am.

THE QUEEN:
Oh very well then. Anyone else on your list? And don’t say Graham Norton or I shall scream.

P.M:
Amy Winehouse, Ma’am.

THE QUEEN:
We’re awarding an honour to an off licence?

P.M:
We might as well be Ma’am as it’s been reported that she drinks the contents of an off licence daily, but apparently it is the name of a singer,. We’re suggesting the O.B.E.

THE QUEEN:
For services to music?

P.M:
And Rehabilitation Clinics, Ma’am.

THE QUEEN:
This Winehouse woman supports such clinics?

P.M:
Absolutely pours money into them I’m told, Ma’am.

THE QUEEN:
Yes then, I approve. Well it can only be a matter of time before Charles’s youngest will be in need of the services of such an establishment so I suppose it’s the least one can do.

PM:
I will pencil her in, Ma’am.

THE QUEEN:
Really, the type of people who are deemed to be worthy of honours in this day and age! Is that the lot then?

P.M:
Just one more, Ma’am. Jonathan Ross.

THE QUEEN:
Oh fuck off.

P.M:
As you wish, Ma’am.

 

 

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Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

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