Month: January 2008

I saw this advert in a magazine a few weeks ago. If you have any trouble getting a supply of HerSute let me know, you can have mine, there’s plenty left in the tube.

 

SAY GOODBYE TO EMBARRASSING HAIR

 

Do you suffer from embarrassing hair? If you have hair that constantly embarrasses you by shouting things like ‘Hello Fatty’ at your next door neighbour or ‘Get your tits out’ to girls in the street then I’m afraid we at HerSute can do nothing for you. If however you have hair that causes you embarrassment by growing where it shouldn’t be growing then all new HerSute is absolutely just what you have been waiting for.

Using a razor to rid yourself of unwanted hair only encourages your hair to grow even stronger and consequentially thicker. It has been proved that hair removal creams can be harmful to insensitive skin. Waxing can be positively painful. Only all new HerSute is the real answer to the problem of embarrassing hair.

So how does all new HerSute work? Supplied in cream form and packaged in a free handy tube, all new HerSute is massaged, three times daily, into all parts of the body, where you do NOT have embarrassing hair. This will encourage this non-embarrassing hair to grow stronger. In a few short weeks it will have grown to such an extent that it will join up with your embarrassing hair. Result – you will no longer have embarrassing hair, just hair all over your body.

You will gratefully discover that all New HerSute will pay for itself a thousand times over, as having successfully completed the treatment you will find that you no longer want to go out. So along with embarrassing hair you will say goodbye to those expensive meal out and hello to the pizza delivery man. This however is not to say that you should not go out. But if you do it is advisable to stay well clear of zoos and safari parks.

Here is what just a few of our thousands of satisfied clients had to say about all new HerSute –

Thank you all new HerSute for my new career as a Gorillagram. I could never have done it without you. J. Laycock,  Penge.

Since using new HerSute my central heating bill has never been lower and a new winter coat is a thing of the past.  J Morrison, Hastings.

Before I found new HerSute my husband used to use me as a doormat. G Butler, Bury.

 

Since I found new HerSute my husband uses me as a doormat. A Morton, Salford

 

All new Hersute – available from all good chemists and per shops.

MARIANNE UNFAITHFULL

 

A pop singer who emerged briefly in the 1960s, Marianne Unfaithfull put it about even more than her near namesake Marianne Faithfull. A friend of the Rolling Stones, Marianne Unfaithfull, nee Trembler, is reported to have had sex with each of them

several times, and on one occasion at the same time, before ending the session

with a couple of their roadies. Three weeks later her version of the Stones’ ‘I Can’t Get No Satisfaction’ was recorded at Abbey Road, and a version of venereal disease was recorded by the Stones and their roadies at Hammersmith Hospital.

The next song she recorded was a parody of Marianne Faithfull’s hit song of May 65 ‘This Little Bird’, entitled ‘This Little Turd’, and is said to be her reaction to T Rex singer Marc Bolan calling her a slag.
Born Amanda Trembler in 1950 she dropped the ‘A’, and her knickers, in 1963 and became Manda Trembler. Shortly after she cut her first record ‘Like A Virgin?’  (This wasn’t the Madonna hit of the 1984 but a self-penned number which boasted the line ‘Like a virgin? Well it’s no use looking at me, twatface’.

In 1966 Marianne married rock star Tommy Unfaithfull of The Why? The marriage was not a success, due in no small part to Marianne’s promiscuity, and three months later the they had a quickie divorce and Marianne had a quickie with the registrar who annulled the marriage. In

In an interview with the Melody Maker in 1970 Marianne claimed to have had sex with over two hundred rock stars and one hundred film stars, including Rin Tin Tin.

In a follow up article Elvis Presley admitted to being one of her conquests, as did Richard Burton, who when questioned said that she was one of the best shags he had ever had. Rin Tin Tin said ‘Woof’.

In March 1972 the New Musical Express reported that in one wild night of sex Marianne have bedded three of The Beatles, Freddie & the Dreamers, and the entire Osmond family, and given little Jimmy his first wank. Marie Osborne denied this but it was about this time that she developed the permanent grin she affects. Little Jimmy grinned for quite a while too.
In 1980, aged just thirty, Marianne died when she choked to death in the back of the Rocking Robins Ford transit van whilst giving head to the band’s lead guitarist. Her funeral, which was attended by many of her former lovers, was held at Wembley Stadium, with the overflow at Wembley Arena.

UneasyJet

 

Flying Has Never Been So Fraught

All airplanes used by uneasyJet have at least six inches less leg space between the seats than all other airlines, for extra discomfort. By holding in you stomach and

clenching your buttocks you can just about squeeze yourself in. However, eating

your inflight meal off the drop down tray on the back of the seat in front should not be a problem, so long as you are a victim of thalidomide. It is advisable to remain in your seat for the entire flight.

dissertation help

This shouldn’t be a problem; a problem would be if

you wanted to leave your seat as due to the cramped conditions your limbs lock

up after a very short while. Apart from that there is is nothing to get up for

as our airplanes don’t have any lavatories.

‘Flying On A Wing And A Prayer’, our inflight magazine and pull out centre page sick bag, can be found in the compartment on the back of Seat B Row 6.

All our stewardesses are guaranteed to be suffering from PMT.

Any uneasyJet passenger wishing the person seated next to them to suck mints noisily and keep sniffing throughout the entire journey should make this clear when making the booking. Otherwise they will get someone next to them who has a squawking baby and keeps farting every few minutes.

The exchange rate when buying our duty free goods in euros is ten euros to the groat.

The inflight entertainment includes ten audio channels offering a diverse range of talk programmes and music to suit all tastes, but whatever channel you tune in to you get James Blunt singing You Are Beautiful.

The inflight movie is Sister Act, both on the outgoing and returning journeys, from now until 2020. If anyone shows signs of enjoying this film they will be slapped, then forcibly restrained for the rest of the flight and handed over to men in white coats upon landing.

Only one item of hand luggage is allowed on board unless you are a dusky- featured person, maybe wearing a turban, in which case two items will be allowed, one of which can be highly suspicious-looking.

Regardless of their destination, all uneasyJet flights fly over Iranian air space to take in the scenery, and touch down in Afghanistan for refuelling.

Bon voyage

Geoff bin Laden

Chief Executive, uneasyJet