Category: Razzamatazz

The X Factor

Notes to judges prior to the first show of the 14th series.

Audience figures for the closing programme of Series 13 were 1,200,000 down on the closing programme of Series 14. In an effort to redress this, you are requested to try to come up with a few new apposite phrases to express your admiration for the efforts of the contestants. ‘You’re a star’ and ‘You really nailed it’ are all very well but are much overused and don’t go far enough in their praise if we are to get it through to the audience that the contestants are demonstrating an exceptional talent. We suggest something like ‘You’re going to be bigger than Streisand/Sinatra’ and ‘You really welded it’ instead

Notes to judges following the first show of the 14th series.

Two observations need to be made following last week’s note. (1) As far as we know there is no singer called Streisand Slash Sinatra. By Streisand/Sinatra we meant Barbra Streisand or Frank Sinatra, depending upon the sex of the person you are praising. (2) ‘You really welded it’ will be sufficient; whilst ‘You really bolted it down after first applying superglue to the threads of the nuts and bolts then welding them

together’ may be a more enthusiastic appraisal, you would do well to remember that the attention span of our audience does not stretch to more than half a dozen words

and consequently such an expression is entirely lost on them.

Notes to judges following the second show of the 14th series.

The praise for deserving performers was much better this week, although I think telling the anorexic girl from Poole that she could be bigger than Demis Roussos was a bit incongruous, if not hurtful. Speaking of which, being hurtful to undeserving

performers is just as important than praising deserving performers, booing and catcalling the judges being all part of the entertainment. I would therefore urge you to pay equal attention to this aspect of the show.

Notes to judges following the third show of the 14th series.

Reference to last week’s notes in which you were encouraged you to be more hurtful to those contestants deserving of such treatment, I would remind you that The X Factor goes out well before the 9 p.m. watershed, and expressions such as ‘You really fucked up there, you ugly slag’, although very possibly true, should not be used in future. Having said that I think we could get away with ‘You really ballsed it

up there, Sunshine’.

Notes to judges following the fourth show of the 14th series

Well done indeed. Going overboard in your lavish praise for Nick, referring to him as the new Pavarotti and then awarding him a total of 3 points, was a masterstroke, equalled only by telling Helen that she had a voice which would launch a thousand quips and then awarding her the highest points in the entire history of the show. Keep this up and we’ll soon be getting half as high an audience as Strictly Come Dancing. Try referring to the black one as a filthy spade lezzo, telling her she sounds like Barbra Streisand and awarding her half a point for trying.

                            

Liverpool – City of Culture

LIVERPOOL – EUROPEAN CITY OF CULTURE 2008

Programme of events – May 1st to May 30th.

City of Liverpool.
Permanent city-wide display of Cars With Their Wheels Missing Balanced On Piles Of Bricks. This living exhibition is being added to daily so return visits are highly recommended.

Anfield Stadium.
  Exhibition by Liverpool Football Club supporters about the Hillsborough disaster in which 96 Reds fans lost their lives through everybody’s fault but theirs. Ticket price of £40 includes enough beer to get legless in a local pub before entering the stadium.

Everyman Theatre.
  Every morning. ‘Soap’. Liverpool’s own King of the Soap Operas Phil Redmond, creator of Brookside and Hollyoaks, explains the secret of writing successful soaps. Lesson 3 – Work Plenty Of Shagging Into It.

Stanley Park
Every day at noon. Mass demonstration of Self Pity. Citizens of Liverpool (all sons and daughters are welcome to take part if you can tear yourself out of bed), instruct festival visitors on how to feel sorry for themselves. Displays of hand wringing on the hour.

Goodison Park.
Rock concert by the two surviving Beatles who have survived which will make you wish it had been the other two Beatles who had survived. Ringo will sing, without even a trace of irony, ‘I’ll Get By With The Help Of My Friends’. Paul has promised not to sing ‘The Frog Chorus’.

Everyman Theatre.
Every evening at 7. ‘Live on the Dole’, starring Ricky Tomlinson.  Will unemployed scouser scally Wacker Wainwright continue to draw unemployment benefit when he gets a job as a child minder, or will he continue to draw unemployment and also claim family allowance for the children he is minding? ‘Hilarious’, Derek Hatton.

 

 

Programme of events – May 1st to May 30th.

Permanent city-wide display of Cars With Their Wheels Missing Balanced On Piles Of Bricks. This living exhibition is being added to daily so return visits are highly recommended.

Everyman Theatre. Every morning. ‘Soap’. Liverpool’s own King of the Soap Operas Phil Redmond, creator of Brookside and Hollyoaks, explains the secret of writing successful soaps. Lesson 3 – Work Plenty Of Shagging Into It.

Every day at noon or when you can tear yourself out of bed. Mass demonstration of Self Pity in Stanley Park. Citizens of Liverpool (all sons and daughters are welcome to take part), instruct festival visitors on how to feel sorry for themselves. Displays of hand wringing on the hour.

Rock. Goodison Park. Concert by the two Beatles who should have died rather than the two who did. Ringo will sing, without even a trace of irony, ‘I’ll Get By With The Help Of My Friends’. Paul has promised not to sing ‘The Frog Chorus’.

Everyman Theatre.  Every evening at 7. ‘Live on the Dole’, starring Ricky Tomlinson.  Will unemployed scouser scally Wacker Wainwright continue to draw unemployment benefit when he gets a job as a child minder, or will he continue to draw unemployment and also claim family allowance for the children he is minding? ‘Hilarious’, Derek Hatton.

Anfield Stadium. Re-creation of the Hillsborough disaster in which 96 Liverpool supporters lost their lives through no fault of their own. Ticket price of £40 includes enough beer to get legless in a local pub before entering the stadium.

Say Goodbye To Embarrassing Hair

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SAY GOODBYE TO EMBARRASSING HAIR

 

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Rock Profiles Number 27

MARIANNE UNFAITHFULL

 

A pop singer who emerged briefly in the 1960s, Marianne Unfaithfull put it about even more than her near namesake Marianne Faithfull. A friend of the Rolling Stones, Marianne Unfaithfull, nee Trembler, is reported to have had sex with each of them

several times, and on one occasion at the same time, before ending the session

with a couple of their roadies. Three weeks later her version of the Stones’ ‘I Can’t Get No Satisfaction’ was recorded at Abbey Road, and a version of venereal disease was recorded by the Stones and their roadies at Hammersmith Hospital.

The next song she recorded was a parody of Marianne Faithfull’s hit song of May 65 ‘This Little Bird’, entitled ‘This Little Turd’, and is said to be her reaction to T Rex singer Marc Bolan calling her a slag.
Born Amanda Trembler in 1950 she dropped the ‘A’, and her knickers, in 1963 and became Manda Trembler. Shortly after she cut her first record ‘Like A Virgin?’  (This wasn’t the Madonna hit of the 1984 but a self-penned number which boasted the line ‘Like a virgin? Well it’s no use looking at me, twatface’.

In 1966 Marianne married rock star Tommy Unfaithfull of The Why? The marriage was not a success, due in no small part to Marianne’s promiscuity, and three months later the they had a quickie divorce and Marianne had a quickie with the registrar who annulled the marriage. In

In an interview with the Melody Maker in 1970 Marianne claimed to have had sex with over two hundred rock stars and one hundred film stars, including Rin Tin Tin.

In a follow up article Elvis Presley admitted to being one of her conquests, as did Richard Burton, who when questioned said that she was one of the best shags he had ever had. Rin Tin Tin said ‘Woof’.

In March 1972 the New Musical Express reported that in one wild night of sex Marianne have bedded three of The Beatles, Freddie & the Dreamers, and the entire Osmond family, and given little Jimmy his first wank. Marie Osborne denied this but it was about this time that she developed the permanent grin she affects. Little Jimmy grinned for quite a while too.
In 1980, aged just thirty, Marianne died when she choked to death in the back of the Rocking Robins Ford transit van whilst giving head to the band’s lead guitarist. Her funeral, which was attended by many of her former lovers, was held at Wembley Stadium, with the overflow at Wembley Arena.