Flying Has Never Been So Fraught

All airplanes used by uneasyJet have at least six inches less leg space between the seats than all other airlines, for extra discomfort. By holding in you stomach and

clenching your buttocks you can just about squeeze yourself in. However, eating

your inflight meal off the drop down tray on the back of the seat in front should not be a problem, so long as you are a victim of thalidomide. It is advisable to remain in your seat for the entire flight.

This shouldn’t be a problem; a problem would be if

you wanted to leave your seat as due to the cramped conditions your limbs lock

up after a very short while. Apart from that there is is nothing to get up for

as our airplanes don’t have any lavatories.

‘Flying On A Wing And A Prayer’, our inflight magazine and pull out centre page sick bag, can be found in the compartment on the back of Seat B Row 6.

All our stewardesses are guaranteed to be suffering from PMT.

Any uneasyJet passenger wishing the person seated next to them to suck mints noisily and keep sniffing throughout the entire journey should make this clear when making the booking. Otherwise they will get someone next to them who has a squawking baby and keeps farting every few minutes.

The exchange rate when buying our duty free goods in euros is ten euros to the groat.

The inflight entertainment includes ten audio channels offering a diverse range of talk programmes and music to suit all tastes, but whatever channel you tune in to you get James Blunt singing You Are Beautiful.

The inflight movie is Sister Act, both on the outgoing and returning journeys, from now until 2020. If anyone shows signs of enjoying this film they will be slapped, then forcibly restrained for the rest of the flight and handed over to men in white coats upon landing.

Only one item of hand luggage is allowed on board unless you are a dusky- featured person, maybe wearing a turban, in which case two items will be allowed, one of which can be highly suspicious-looking.

Regardless of their destination, all uneasyJet flights fly over Iranian air space to take in the scenery, and touch down in Afghanistan for refuelling.

Bon voyage

Geoff bin Laden

Chief Executive, uneasyJet

The Ant And Dec Guide To Success

Get yourself on a children’s TV show. Both Noel Edmonds and Chris Tarrant started out on kids TV and look at them today – one’s a pretentious pillock and the other’s a pretentious pillock who can’t keep his dick in his trousers – but both of them are multi-millionaire celebrities after starting out on children’s TV – just like we did!

Having got yourself on children’s TV, cut a record. It doesn’t matter if you can’t sing and if it’s crap, like ours was, it’s all good publicity and the kids will buy it in their hundreds of thousands just because they’ve seen you on the telly.

Make the crossover from children’s television to adult television. Demonstrate to the programme bosses that you’re ready to make the switch by occasionally dropping in adult words like bum and fart and the odd f-word when you’re reading the story on Jackanory or whatever children’s TV show you’re appearing on.

If you don’t speak with a natural accent, develop one. Speak in a strong regional accent like what we do and you’ll be able to talk absolute shite and get away with it because most of the audience won’t be able to understand a word you’re saying. Just keep it regional and shout a lot and it’s very difficult not to be a success. We are living proof of this!

Become a cheeky chappie. Neither of us are natural cheeky chappies, we’ve had to work at it. Before we became cheeky if one of our girl guests fell arse over tits and showed her knickers we would have been embarrassed and looked away. Now we say something like: ‘Nearly saw your breakfast there, love’, with a cheeky grin. But don’t say it if she’s anorexic though as she probably won’t have had any breakfast and it would be in bad taste. Say ‘Nearly split your kipper there love’ instead.

Become loveable. Not everyone likes cheeky chappies so you have to make yourself

loveable as well. It is a small step from having people feeling sorry for you to having them loving you. People of average and above average height feel sorry for short people so when we started out in showbiz at the age of twelve we worked hard at remaining really short by smoking like chimneys and spending two hours a day in a trouser press. Maybe Dec overdid it a bit but it has clearly worked.

Be yourself. This can be quite difficult, so you might have to work at it. Fortunately for us neither of us can act for toffee (although that doesn’t stop us having a go at it sometimes, just for a laugh like!), so we can’t be anything else but ourselves.

Finally, be very, very lucky.


The Next Honours List?


Now turning to the field of show business Ma’am, we were thinking Pete Doherty for an O.B.E.

I see. Who is he exactly?

I’m afraid I had to ask the same question myself. According to the Minister of Culture he’s a singer.

So the award is for services to music?

It is Ma’am, although it could just as easily be the pharmaceutical industry, Ma’am, so the Minister for Culture informs me.

So what exactly has this Pete Doherty person done?

Well just about everything, according to the Minister.

I beg your pardon?

P.M: He uses drugs, Ma’am.

And you want me to award him the O.B.E? Out of the question!

P.M. P.M:
As Your Majesty wishes. However I feel I must point out that in the field of show business if we were to eliminate all those who take drugs from our considerations there would be very few left from which to make our selections

THE QUEEN: I see. Very well then, an O.B.E.

Thank you Ma’am. Staying with singers, we were thinking of making Sir Elton John a baron.

Yes, an excellent choice. I shan’t feel overdressed at the investiture if he’s there. What would he be known as incidentally? Lord John of….?

Watford, perhaps? Lord John of Watford. Or some other place he is associated with. It might not matter, someone on the selection committee suggested that whatever title he chooses people will call him Lord of the Rings, although I’ve no idea why. Perhaps he’s a fan of Tolkien?

Probably. And who else are you putting forward from the world of show business?

George Michael, Ma’am.We’re suggesting an M.B.E.

George Michael? Isn’t he a homosexual?

I believe so.

But I’ve just elevated one of them to the peerage, Prime Minister. I realise that nowadays one is expected to pander to these people but we musn’t get carried away and overcrowd the honours list with them.

P.M: I’m afraid that what I said about the number of show business people who take drugs applies when it comes to their sexual persuasion too, Ma’am.

Oh very well then. Anyone else on your list? And don’t say Graham Norton or I shall scream.

Amy Winehouse, Ma’am.

We’re awarding an honour to an off licence?

We might as well be Ma’am as it’s been reported that she drinks the contents of an off licence daily, but apparently it is the name of a singer,. We’re suggesting the O.B.E.

For services to music?

And Rehabilitation Clinics, Ma’am.

This Winehouse woman supports such clinics?

Absolutely pours money into them I’m told, Ma’am.

Yes then, I approve. Well it can only be a matter of time before Charles’s youngest will be in need of the services of such an establishment so I suppose it’s the least one can do.

I will pencil her in, Ma’am.

Really, the type of people who are deemed to be worthy of honours in this day and age! Is that the lot then?

Just one more, Ma’am. Jonathan Ross.

Oh fuck off.

As you wish, Ma’am.



Football Coaching

I had a dream last night. Must have been the pork pie. Here it is – the dream, not the pork pie.

A football pitch. Training for the first team squad has finished for the day and the coach has asked the players to form a semi-circle around him.


Well done lads. Train as hard as that and repeat it on the park on match days and we’ll be right in there with a big shout come the end of the season when they’re handing the silverware out. Briggsy – excellent my son. That heading practice is beginning to pay off. That last effort of yours – in like a bullet. Jonesy, your crossing is improving as much as Briggsys heading, you should be proud of yourself. David Beckham? You’ll shit Beckhams if you carry on improving the way you have been. But listen up. Being a Premiership footballer isn’t just about heading and kicking a football; if it was everybody would be a Premiership footballer. There are other skills you’ll be needing. And a very important one of them is harvesting. Before I go any further have any of you ever done any harvesting? No Wilksy, I don’t mean helping the farmer out with his haymaking when you were a kid. I’m talking harvesting for girls here, for tail, not hay – although you’ll probably be making hay if you listen to what I’m telling you and then pick the right sort of girls to ask along to your Christmas bash. So where’s the best place to go to get hot women you reckon? No, not the Turkish baths Cleggy. Hot, as in shaggable and up for it. I’ll tell you. Up market department stores for one. They’re excellent spots. The birds off the cosmetics counters and beauty parlours in Harrods and Selfridges. Clubs is another ripe area for potential tail. And any beauty queens you’ve come across – or into – they’re always a good source for the harvester.

Another skill you’ll have to get to grips with is roasting. When you’re at your Christmas bash and the Crystal has flowed and half a dozen or so of you find a girl who’s willing to drop her knickers– and there aren’t many who won’t be if you’ve done your harvesting proper, and if she’s wearing any knickers in the first place – where’s the best place to go to give her a good roasting? No, not a Turkish baths Cleggy. Turkish baths would be all right if you wanted to give her a good boiling perhaps, but….Anybody else? That’s right Jacksy, one of the bedrooms at the place you’re having your Christmas party.

The final skill you’ll need is dogging – and this isn’t just a Christmas skill, this is a pastime you can engage in it all the year round so it’s especially important. Where’s the best place to engage in a bit of dogging? Fuck me Cleggy, what is it with you and Turkish baths? Struth! Yes Smithy? No, it isn’t the dog track either Smithy, Jesus, you don’t you know what dogging is, what planet are you from? Tell him Jonesy. That’s right, watching couples having sex in the back of cars. As championed by the great Stan Collymore. So where’s the best place to do a bit of dogging? Fuck me Cleggy if you mention Turkish baths again I’ll fucking choke you. Yes, all right, I know you can watch people having sex at the Turkish baths – well I didn’t but I do now – but it isn’t the place I’m thinking of. I’m thinking of the park. That’s where to do your dogging. The park at night. Got that? Good. Right, into the showers……no, forget that, let’s all go down the Turkish baths instead.